Wednesday, February 16, 2011

2011

Well, I know it's already about a 2 months into 2011, but I guess now is a good time to do a new year post or a catch up life post as I call it. These past two months have been a little crazy. I've visited Flordia, Connecticut, NYC, and home. I've accomplished a bucket list item. I've started to train for something I've never thought I could do. I've learned a lot these past couple weeks at work. I've felt emotions very similar to those that I felt in September/October, and have fought like crazy to not go back there. I've laughed a lot. Cried a lot. Thought a lot. This reminds me of the great Jimmy V:

"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, your going to have something special."

"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

For those of you who don't know Jimmy Valvano, he was a the legendary coach at North Carolina State and ESPN analysit that battled cancer. Won the Arthur Ashe award and gave an amazing speech, in which these two lines above are found.

LAUGH:
Everyday at work there is laughter. We laugh at each other, when we dance at the med counters. I attempt to sing a song at the med counter. At night when we spill stuff on the floor. We can when your change a dementia patients and he pees all over you friend shoes, and doesn't even realize it. You laugh when a patient asks you a silly question. You laugh with a patient. You laugh when you get pudding thrown/spit at you with meds in it. You can when you've had three codes and you listen to the Barney song. You laugh when a lady crushs a gingerale can over you. I laugh when my cute 80 yr old lady says, "Are you old enough to be doing this?" Or when the 97 yr old lady says "You look like your 40" and politely say back, "actually I'm 23." You laugh when who knows what bodily fluid ends up on your shoes/clothes. You laugh at doctors orders. You laugh when you realize it's 6:30pm and you haven't peed since you left he house at 6:00am. You laugh when your at your wits end, with your patients, doctors, family members, other staff when all you want to do is cry becuase laughing is so much more fun.

CRY:
We cry when were overwhelmed. We cry when we come to work sick. We cry when it seems like we can't do anything right. We cry because we've spent every single moment of our 12 hour day trying to "meet" a patients need and it's still not good enough. We cry because at times we don't understand someones choices but we have to respect it. We cry when a patient says, "I just want it to be over, I just want to die." I cry when people think I'm not good enough. I cry when I just want someone to do care for me. (I know selfish) I cry because there's nothing I can do for a patient except watch them die and hold their hands. I cry because I want so desperately to never, ever make an error, but it happens, I'm not perfect. I cry when I can't understand. I cry when I see a friend in a hospital bed, that shouldn't be there at 18. I cry because I know what each tube that he has in him means. I cry because I know that the numbers on the monitor aren't the best. I cry because all I want to do is get a hug from him just one more time. I cry because I held it together for his mom. I cry because his mom inspired me in the 10 minutes we chatted. We cry at the Barney cage. I cry when my feet hurt a lot. I cry because I can't hold things in well. My secret spot: the stairwell.

THINK:
We think about what we should do. We think about all the things we want to do, but can't because there isn't enough time. We think about all the pain we cause patients sometimes that isn't necessary. We think about what if you were a DNR/DNI. We think about our families when we work Christmas/Thanksgiving/Mothers Day/Fathers Day/Our Family and Friends Birthday. We "critically" think as they say. We think about whether or not the order we are about to follow should be followed. We think about things and try like hell not to say them, because we would get fired if we did. I think about all the things I do wrong. I force my self to think about the good things that happen. I think about these patients stories. I think about that place I was in, in September/October. I think about quitting, daily, but in no way, shape or form will I. I think/wish I had thicker skin.

These are only short paragraphs of what I laugh about, cry about, and think about while I am a nurse. I feel like this is what I should tell people about when they ask me "what do you do?" or "is it really like grey's anatomy?" (UMM NO!!!!!!) You laugh, cry, scream, think, hope, pray, with people. I know this saying is a little cheesy, but it's the truth so I figured I'd end with it.

"Nurses beneath their scrubs, beat the hearts of warriors."

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