Tuesday, May 24, 2011

10 Things

So I am being a little nostalgic these days and have had some pretty interesting experiences and emotions felt at work, so why not blog about it right? ( I know that most of you or the one of you that reads this out there is thinking "it's about stinkin time" So her it goes:

Background info: So when I was in high school, I played the clarinet in the concert band, and every year you played at graduation. So 6 years of playing at graduation and my senior year I heard a total of 7 graduation speech's. Let's just say I had down pat. First was whole part about cherish the memories you have with your classmates and times here. Then came the accomplishments of the particular class. Then comes the "the future is yours, take every opportunity and always keep dreaming." The standard model. Well there's one graduation speech that sticks out in my mind vividly.

Mr. Brunsons: The Top 1o Things you won't miss and will miss about going to Laurens Central School. So in honor of that speech and my nostalgia and just all out emotionalness related to being a nurse I decided to write this blog along smilier lines My title:

10 Thing I Wouldn't Miss About Nursing , and 10 Things I Wouldn't trade for anything other Job in the world.

Kinda lengthy I know, but remember nursing not English here!

10. I wouldn't miss the constant busyness of the days. The constant being on my feet for 12 hours. Not peeing or eating for 12 hours. Putting my needs on the back burner for 12 plus hours. The fact that I go home after 12 plus hours and feel guilty because I forgot to get 22 some orange juice at 8 am this morning. I wouldn't trade the fact that no day is the same. I never know what I am going to encounter. Each day is different than the one before. No two patients are the same. I love it I love that I learn something new every day. (Plus I can hold it for almost 16 hours!) P.S I do not endorse this practice at all!!!

9. I won't miss the constant, "nurse, get me this?", "nurse, I want that, " , "nurse I am not doing that." First of all I have a name and it's written on the white board. I am not my job title. I am not a slave her to play fetch for you. I am here to help you/care for you/ keep you safe and help you get back to your previous health status. I wouldn't trade anything for the world that I am a part of something bigger than myself, that being the nursing community. There's such a sense of belonging, such a sense of community. Just the fact that, they get it, they get and they've been right there with you in the trenches.

8. I won't miss getting food thrown at me. Whether it be pudding, applesauce, ginger ale, mashed potatoes, corn, or stead. Food is meant to be consumed not thrown, tossed, spit at, or vomited at a person. Enough said. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for Friday Breuggers day. Or the fact that I truly believe that any resident, attending, nurse, patient, family, or general population person that brings food to nurses is truly blessed by God. The way to a nurses heart is through food preferably in the form of pizza, bagels, bacon, pelligrinos subs. Not like I am suggesting someone being in something.

7. I won't miss switching shifts. Working days, evenings, and night shifts in one week should be outlawed and punishable by death. My poor circadian rhythm sometimes is my biggest enemy. I apologize to it daily, sometimes twice a day. Trust me she needs it because the switching messes with your head. Plus I cannot wait until the day I do not have to take something to help me sleep. I wouldn't trade some night shifts for anything in the world. The laughter, the dancing, the singing, the to-do lists made on progress note paper. NACHOS GRANDE!!!

6. I won't miss wearing scrubs. We'll this one is kinda both statements combined in one. So before you have to wear scrubs every day, they really are the most comfortable article of clothing in the world. Then you start wearing them daily, your laundry is consumed by scrubs and they then become associated with work. So therefore in plain English scrubs = work, not comfort. So yes I do look forward to the day when scrubs mean comfort again.

5. I won't miss cleaning up any type of substance that comes out of a hole in the human body. Trust me you don't want me to expound on this. I've thrown away a pair of scrubs because of this, bleach and the washing machine wouldn't cure it. People ask me all the time, "oh your a nurse, you must enjoy cleaning up poop?" Umm, for real people? Usually I stare at time forever with this look that they have 3 heads and then they get their answer. I will say though I wouldn't trade that feeling you get when you walk into your patients room and its a mess stuff everywhere, and they smell horrible. Then when your 12 hrs are up. The room is spotless, supplies are in order in the drawers on the table. There linens have been changed. The patient is bathed, hair washed, and actually smells good is sitting up in chair before 7am, with a fresh water pitcher ready for breakfast.

4. I won't miss tirely fighting with doctors to get something for my patients, or get them to seem my patient. I shouldn't have to fight, and I shouldn't have to call more than once. I shouldn't have to fight and be mean back. I shouldn't have to. When I say some thing's not right, it's not right. I have a license and I am going to protect it with my life. I know this is going to sound prideful but it isn't mean to. Its that moment when you get it right. When your hunch was right, that gut feeling was right. That calling a rapid response while the team was on the floor so the patient didn't have to get intubated paid off. Again I don't mean to sound prideful but there is nothing like it, that moment of getting it right when it comes to something that's going on with a patient.

3. I won't miss codes/rapid responses. They are stressful, loud, sweaty, smelly, scary, long, exhausting, and down right disruptive to a type A person trying to get their work done. Plus there is too many people in white coats that get all excited and try and be a leader. I wouldn't trade anything for those codes that we do bring the patient back and they survive. That feeling of knowing that you saved someones life. When we get it right and it works like a well oiled machine, that other nurses don't even know its going on because it just flows so well. ( I am never checking a BG in a code again. Nope not me.)

2. I won't miss residents and I really won't miss residents in July. The orders written, the your a nurse, and I am a doctor complex, the "I have an MD after my name complex, the ambivalence. I can honestly say so that some of the residents I work with are amazing human beings. I have to remember that they are learning just like me, and that they are a person just like me. We are colleagues working together for our patients. It took me a long time but I've realized that if you form a relationship and you trust each other, it just works out so much better. Plus .25mg PO Haldol orders never happen, I usually get 2mg IV Haldol orders. Shout out to the current R2s at strong. Your the best!

1. I won't miss those most difficult conversations to have with families/or looking a family member in their eye after their loved ones have passed. The newly diagnosed cancer patient, the comfort care conversation. Those moments when patients can't remember their loved ones. Those moments when all I want to do is go cry in my "secret spot." I wouldn't trade anything in world for the family that says "thank you" Whether its thank you for keeping my family member comfortable. Thank you for getting them orange juice. Thank you for being with them when they got the diagnosis. Thank you for making sure they weren't alone. Thank you for spending Christmas with my family, even though I know you weren't with yours. When a chief resident remembers your name and says thank you for helping him tell a patient they have cancer. Thank you for doing what you do. I wouldn't trade it for anything that I get to do.

Nursing is an art: and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter's or sculptor's work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God's spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts. -Florence Nightengale.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Well, I know it's already about a 2 months into 2011, but I guess now is a good time to do a new year post or a catch up life post as I call it. These past two months have been a little crazy. I've visited Flordia, Connecticut, NYC, and home. I've accomplished a bucket list item. I've started to train for something I've never thought I could do. I've learned a lot these past couple weeks at work. I've felt emotions very similar to those that I felt in September/October, and have fought like crazy to not go back there. I've laughed a lot. Cried a lot. Thought a lot. This reminds me of the great Jimmy V:

"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, your going to have something special."

"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

For those of you who don't know Jimmy Valvano, he was a the legendary coach at North Carolina State and ESPN analysit that battled cancer. Won the Arthur Ashe award and gave an amazing speech, in which these two lines above are found.

Everyday at work there is laughter. We laugh at each other, when we dance at the med counters. I attempt to sing a song at the med counter. At night when we spill stuff on the floor. We can when your change a dementia patients and he pees all over you friend shoes, and doesn't even realize it. You laugh when a patient asks you a silly question. You laugh with a patient. You laugh when you get pudding thrown/spit at you with meds in it. You can when you've had three codes and you listen to the Barney song. You laugh when a lady crushs a gingerale can over you. I laugh when my cute 80 yr old lady says, "Are you old enough to be doing this?" Or when the 97 yr old lady says "You look like your 40" and politely say back, "actually I'm 23." You laugh when who knows what bodily fluid ends up on your shoes/clothes. You laugh at doctors orders. You laugh when you realize it's 6:30pm and you haven't peed since you left he house at 6:00am. You laugh when your at your wits end, with your patients, doctors, family members, other staff when all you want to do is cry becuase laughing is so much more fun.

We cry when were overwhelmed. We cry when we come to work sick. We cry when it seems like we can't do anything right. We cry because we've spent every single moment of our 12 hour day trying to "meet" a patients need and it's still not good enough. We cry because at times we don't understand someones choices but we have to respect it. We cry when a patient says, "I just want it to be over, I just want to die." I cry when people think I'm not good enough. I cry when I just want someone to do care for me. (I know selfish) I cry because there's nothing I can do for a patient except watch them die and hold their hands. I cry because I want so desperately to never, ever make an error, but it happens, I'm not perfect. I cry when I can't understand. I cry when I see a friend in a hospital bed, that shouldn't be there at 18. I cry because I know what each tube that he has in him means. I cry because I know that the numbers on the monitor aren't the best. I cry because all I want to do is get a hug from him just one more time. I cry because I held it together for his mom. I cry because his mom inspired me in the 10 minutes we chatted. We cry at the Barney cage. I cry when my feet hurt a lot. I cry because I can't hold things in well. My secret spot: the stairwell.

We think about what we should do. We think about all the things we want to do, but can't because there isn't enough time. We think about all the pain we cause patients sometimes that isn't necessary. We think about what if you were a DNR/DNI. We think about our families when we work Christmas/Thanksgiving/Mothers Day/Fathers Day/Our Family and Friends Birthday. We "critically" think as they say. We think about whether or not the order we are about to follow should be followed. We think about things and try like hell not to say them, because we would get fired if we did. I think about all the things I do wrong. I force my self to think about the good things that happen. I think about these patients stories. I think about that place I was in, in September/October. I think about quitting, daily, but in no way, shape or form will I. I think/wish I had thicker skin.

These are only short paragraphs of what I laugh about, cry about, and think about while I am a nurse. I feel like this is what I should tell people about when they ask me "what do you do?" or "is it really like grey's anatomy?" (UMM NO!!!!!!) You laugh, cry, scream, think, hope, pray, with people. I know this saying is a little cheesy, but it's the truth so I figured I'd end with it.

"Nurses beneath their scrubs, beat the hearts of warriors."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Birthday Brother.

So lets travel back in time about 19 years ago and one day. I was four years old. It was 1991. Don't remember too much from that year. However I clearly remember my Christmas nursery school production, that occurred on December 22nd very well, mainly because my mother was pregnant and I was about to get a little baby brother about 5 weeks early! As we say he wanted to experience Christmas instead of coming in January.

So if I remember correctly, I was an angel. Yes, an angel in the Christmas production and I was very excited. Even though looking back now I think there are usually about 20 angels and 20 Shepard's in this productions, still nonetheless I was excited. It went very well I remember my grandparents coming and having a lovely evening. Then it happened.

We lived in our old house and I remember my mother telling me that she was going to the hospital because Matthew was coming a little bit early and that he wanted to see Santa. Now at 23 years old I probably would have said okay, sure have fun, good luck, hope its not too bad. But at the age of 4, it went a little differently. All I can remember is laying in bed with my mother watching Sesame Street in her room because I wouldn't let her go. My grandmother was already their staying in the night. And side note: I love my grandmother dearly, but I don't think at the age of 4 I could grasp what was going on.

I can remember grabbing onto my mothers leg and not letting her go. I can remember pleading with her to not leave until I feel asleep. Looking back I think it was the fact that I was four and couldn't' understand that sometime babies come early. Like really early. And I didn't want it impact Christmas in anyway. So I did finally end up falling asleep. And my lovely mother and father did end up leaving and going to the hospital to have my brother. It's a funny story my family always tells, because lets admit it is kind of hysterical.

I don't remember this, but apparently at the age of four, I was convinced that his name was Thomas. (For the record, his name is Matthew Joseph, in honor of my grandfather on my dad's side) I think I may have for the first week of his life called him that. Even though my parents tried to convince me other wise. I was four, give me a break, my little world had changed forever. I don't remember this either but it always gets a laugh. My father, again love him dearly, but don't ask him to dress up for a public affair. I usually end up getting asked, "Does this look okay? or "Can I wear jeans to this?" My dad just doesn't dress up, and I am totally okay with that. Usually its sweatpants and jeans and work boots. Anyways my dad put me in a pretty red dress, and PINK tights to visit my mother and brother in the hospital, not a very good fashion. But I was four, and aren't all four year old cute no matter what??..

The two things I do remember are the little Elmo stuffed animal that I got him and when he had to go back into the hospital because he was jaundice. The family that shared the room when they left gave me a sugar cookie. Must have been where my love of food started. And I believe to this day my brother still has that little Elmo in his room at home.

19 years later, happy birthday to a great brother!!! So I've decide to list about 10 or so great memories I have, some are funny, some are sad, but they all will live on in my heart forever. In no particular order.

10. My brother crawling all over my kindergarten graduation cake, on video. Yes, I was about ready to blow out the candles and then plop. There goes Matthew trying to crawl through it. I think he got both hands in it and a foot before my parents could get him out. I then proceeded to throw a pretty big temper tantrum and run to my room and pout because it was MY cake. After about five minutes I think we all came out and enjoyed cake again.

9. Countless hours spent in the driveway racing bikes, dribbling soccer balls, shooting free throws, playing ping-pong, playing one-on-one. He even though four years younger usually won. And many times it would end up in one of us getting yelled it. It was still fun.

8. I was nowhere near the athlete that is was and still is today. But he came to every soccer game, basketball game and many of the track meets. He suffered through a lot them. But he was still there. To this day it still does get thrown in my face many times when I was home from college and didn't want to or was too tried to go to a game, that he went to all of yours to support you, so your going to his.

7. Spending about two years together in the band at LCS and winning two Sherbne Pageant of bands together. It was pretty Sweet. Then watching our band director come to soccer games, basketball games to watch him play even though he wasn't in band any more. And still giving him a graduation gift and coming to his party. That is the kind of kid my brother is

6. The countless car rides together planning who was going to get the backseat and for how long and the arguments that look place and the rationales were priceless!

5. Watching my brother his 7th grade year break is humerus and miss out on playing modified soccer. Then watch him in 8th grade break is collar bone which prevented him from starting on the varsity soccer team. His favorite sport his love. Then again watching him his senior year break his fibula, but without even knowing it play two games before it was diagnosed, and then go on to come back 5 weeks after it happened and play in a sectional game. That's right my brothers a beast.

4. Watching all of his soccer games. The countless amounts. I can't even remember. As an eighth grader he was fastest on the team, the defender assigned to guard the opposing teams best offensive threat. And that same assignment came throughout his entire career. Reading the message boards saying how he was something special. The daily newspaper constantly writing about his name. Yet I believe his senior year he only score 3 or maybe 4 goals. What he did and still does today doesn't end up in the box score. It's the effort plays that win games.

3. Watching him play soccer now in college is so much fun. I remember having a conversation with him the day of tryouts and him saying, "Marissa, I don't know if I am good enough to make this team, and I don't know if I am going to make the cup, But I'm going to go down trying." This coming from the kid who started every single game MVCC played, scored the winning goal in a game, and collected an honorable mention from the NJCAA, Region three. Next year, his goal: to do the same thing.

2. Watching him play basketball, even though he is the shortest kid on the team he still gave it all his heart. Granted there have been some moment he's probably not so proud of. But don't we have them all?? But watching him is senior year was amazing. To see him play even though he didn't have much to work out, with heart and determination was amazing. At 5'7 give or take the kid can touch the rim, and if he gets out in front of you, be prepared for him to have a trip to the free throw line. Even though I wasn't there he ended his career with 33 points. Pretty impressive.

1. Even though these two moments were most recent it was still pretty ingrained in mind. My mom called me up and told me to go online to www.thedailystar.com/hometownweekly and look at the front page article: Getting to Know: Matt Struckle. It was an article where coaches praised him saying that he will leave an impact on LCS soccer players for a long time to come. His basketball coach said that he not only takes responsibility for his actions on the court but off as well. I was never more a proud sister at this moment in time. The second being his graduation and awards banquet. Which I believe I did talk about this in another blog. But still, to watch him go up on that stage time and time again and get the Coach's aware for all three sports he played, basketball, soccer, and golf was beautiful. Then to watch him get Athlete of year, made his year because I know that he had worked so hard for it. This was probably the best part of the night. watching him get scholar athlete of the year. My mother shocked, since my brother always had a litle more fun than I did. My brother took it in stride considering he already had 4 plaques sitting at his seat. To this day, even when my family gets together and my mother starts to nag him about something My brother always says, remember I was the scholar athlete!!

It reminds me of something my friend grandpa always used to tell my mom once my brother and I started school. "Now Marissa she is going to do very well with her academics and go on to do great things, and now Matthew he will do the same, however he is just going to have a little bit more fun doing it." That to this day truly emphazies the differences between the personality of my brother and myself.

And on one final note. There is a picture from his graduation party that I love. My two aunts, my mom, dad, and myself are all holding him up while he was laying in front of us. It is truly him. Laughing and having fun, but at the same time the kid that works as hard as anyone I've every known no matter he circumstances so...


marissa :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Celebrate good times Come on!

I know two blog posts in one month. The blogging world must be thinking what in the world?? But this one is necessary and fun too.

So yesterday I spent a couple hours at church working on kids ministry stuff, then went to my new favorite place on the favorite place list: THE APPLE STORE!! Cue the trumpets, cue the angles and bright shiny wide googly eyes. Yes ladies and gents. I think I have officially been converted. My dell crashed for the third time, yes third. So instead of reverting back, I think I might be moving forward. But before I move forward I would like to share the responses that surround the MAC vs. PC discussion at church.

Ang: Luke, should Marissa get a mac?
Luke: Umm sure...??? (making that face of like what kind of question is that)
Ang: Her Dell crashed for the third time, and she spent three hours on the phone and got no where. Shouldn't she get a mac?
Luke Oh...Yes, Yes you should. See fixing your dell is like going to back to an ex-boyfriend..
(me starting to laugh hysterically here.) You know it's going to work and be all happy for a little while and then its just going to get bad again. So please go get a Mac..

Chris: If you stay with dell it's like your staying in Egypt, Marissa. Come on, make the journey to the Promise Land.

Denis: (When finding out that I might be getting a mac.) Marissa, this will be the first day of your brand new life! You are going to love it!

So dear friends tomorrow may very well be the day..just waiting a little bit to make sure the cash money is all good, and then again please cue the Hallelujah chorus and the angels.

But now for the real reason for this blog:

So after I spent the glorious time at the APPLE store. I plopped myself down on my couch in front of my new flat screen TV (thanks family) that I got for Christmas and watched true greatness, beauty, and joy happen in front of my eyes. That is the UCONN women breaking ULCA's consecutive game winning streak of 88 games.
For anyone that knows me, knows that basketball runs in my veins. March is tied for the top spot on favorite time of year. But December 21st 2010 was a pretty great one too. To watch a group of 18-21 yr old's do something not many athletes have done before was a amazing. To see the smiles, the laughter, and the huge sense of accomplishment on these woman's faces were amazing.
The game was also pretty sweet. Kudos to Florida state, for never giving up, for playing hard until the final minute. And not coming into the XL Center scared because of the UCONN of the front of the jersey's. So...Maya Moore.... nothing else needs to be said. That woman has the picture perfect jump shot, the most selfless person on that team, and a release that I think many men's players would die for. But I think the best part about her and her game, she always diverts back to the team goal:, never focusing the attention on herself, and she sprints of screen, and doesn't expect the screen to do all the work for her. BRIA freaken HARTLEY, way to show up!!! As Dickie V would say she certainly is a diaper dandy. She is more than just a freshman, that girl and shoot, and is fearless. She defintely as they say has a little Diana in her. She is going to have many more big moments in her career at Connetcicut. I think by far the most unrated, under discusses player on that team is Kelly Faris. She is up their with some of the great players.Yes, she might be going through a little shooting slump, but boy does that girl do the little things. And it's the little things that maybe don't end up in the box score, but that is what win's games. The constantly diving for loose balls, contesting shots, relantless defense, and all around smart basketball game. All the lady huskies played great.
So now....I'd like to dedicate this next paragraph to anyone out there who is trying to compare this streak to John Wooden's, to try and figure out which streak is better, or asking the question is a women's team worthy of breaking the steak.. I have one request. STOP!!! Stop comparing, stop trying to figure out, debating, arguing, questioning it, just celebrate it!!!
Instead take 5 minutes and look at the faces of each and every single player, every single coach, family member, band member, and even John Woodens grandson. The immense amount of pure joy captured in pictures and video is beautiful. So rather than doing what our society has trained us to do and compare and try and figure out which one is better, greater, stronger, more meaningful, truly a record, celebrate the beauty of it. Celebrate the fact that night in and night out for 89 games in a row UCONN has never had an off night and lost. It may not have been pretty, but a W always came their way. Celebrate the fact that Tiffany Hayes has never lost in a UCONN uniform and she's a junior. Celebrate the fact that never once did you hear Geno or his players bring up the streak, they always responded to it. Celebrate the fact for all the hard work these players put in here is a little something that they can cherish for the rest of their lives. Celebrate the fact that they don't just win games, but they strive to win games well. It's not just a matter of winning games, its a matter of how you do it. And now most importantly the thing I love about this team, Celebrate 89, but in now way shape are they going to settle for, it, but instead its back in the gym because we've got another game to go, and a goal to reach for in march: CHAMPIONSHIP. So please stop comparing it to ULCA. Because it's not ULCA, It's not 1977, and it's not John Wooden. It's UCONN, it's 2010, and its Geno Auriemma.
So those are my thoughts on the game, and the streak. Again let's just celebrate this beautiful accomplishment and cherish it. As a husky fan, I cannot say a time I've every been prouder of my team and program. (Yes I call them my team, I do the same thing with Duke and the Red Sox) And even more excited to go see them play in January against Duke in Gampell Pavialln. Crossing off a bucket list item. So stinkin excted.
marissa :)
p.s. So I really need to get this new computer because I have several ideas for posts including: Christmas cookie bonanza, Bucket List, Children's Ministry, family, friends, and most importantly my nursing moments.
p.s.s I hope that everyone has MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Most Magical time of the Year

So...yes I know its been a while, but I'm working on it. At least it wasn't a full six months since the last post. So here we go.

As the title of this blog states, "Life as a Nurse." I figure I better give a little insight on that profession. Two nights ago I felt as though I was ready to quit. I know that I say this often but the other night was almost career breaking. So first I'd like to start off with some statements just to clear up somethings for those of you who aren't as familiar with the profession.

1. RN, with BSN. (That's my official title) Which means, yes I went to four years of college and graudated with a Bachleors of Science in Nursing. I spent four LONG years learning about this profession and what all goes into being a nurse.

2. I then studied for what seemed like endless hours for about a 1 hour test that included 75 questions and waiting 48 hours to see if I passed. P.S I also got an ear plug stuck in my ear. So dear residents, I yes know what I am talking about, yes, I have a license that I've worked every hard for and don't want to lose it, so I am not going to suggest something that is outright stupid.

3. Finally if someone has PICC line, that usually means they are a difficulty stick for and IV or blood.

Enough list now for the story. So my patient had a PICC line that was bleeding. And when I say bleeding, I don't mean like drip, drip oh lets apply pressure and stop. I'm am talking hurricane breaking levy bleeding. So we tried these little pads that are supposed to help the blood clot, well again the levy's broke and we just kept bleeding. Now mind you this patient was also getting blood because his levels were low. (Umm remember here levy breaking bleeding from PICC line.) So I decide that alright I think I need to call the resident......

Well....he really needs the blood, and it can't be bleeding that bad...well try to get a peripheral...well i might be able to come down and see it...if his crit is above 24 we can hold the blood to the am. All the responses I got to my questions...well finally this wonderful resident decides to come "take a look" because the crit came back at 24. (I was so angry when I saw that.)

So I trudge into the room and let me back up a little here. It's probably 245am at this time and the patient hasnt gotten much sleep at all. So the resident says,"wow, that is bleeding." I am not even going to respond to this comment. Enough said.

Now to make a long story short, she proceeds to tell me I need to try at least 10 times to get a peripheral IV in this patient. And even then I should keep trying. At this point I was ready to chuck the entire IV set up I had in the room at her along with he patients fake leg.

In NO way shape or form will I ever poke a patient 10 times. That is cruel. I think at 5 times a nurse would say we are done. Thankfully it only too me two tries, but considering the IV site went horizontal across is elbow, I'm not sure how long it took. But that's not the point.

The point is that I shouldn't have to fight to be heard, and understand. I shouldn't have to call 3, 4, and 5 times to have a resident come look at this patient. I should never have to poke a patient that many times to get an IV. I should be able to let my patients sleep so that they can get rest. I shouldn't have to fight you, and I shouldn't have to feel like im trying to claw my way up a 90 degree cliff in order to keep my patients safe. I'm not saying I won't continue to fight, but I want residents to understand is that as nurses we are not stupid, dumb, random people from the street to wipe butts, and clean up poop, and pass meds. We took Anatomy and Physiology, we took Microbiology, just like you, granted we may have not taken as many classes but we have a degree and a license that we don't' want to mess with. So please just LISTEN!!!!

Now on a light note it truly is a magical time of year. CHRISTMAS. First on the list, with second of course being March Madness. But this Christmas season will be a little different than past. I have to work :(! No only Christmas but all three days surrouding this beautiful day. A sore subject so I wont' get into it,

Tonight I decorated my tree. It's a little Charlie Brownish but I still love it! There is something about it I can't explain. I'm not sure if its the lights, the red/sliver/gold balls, the greenness of it, the mountain pine candle sitting next to it since its a fake, or the shiness. But I love it. I've been prolonging sleep because I don't want to have to unplug the lights, but I must in order to be able to work tomorrow night.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Putting pen to paper, and fingers to keys.

Well first of all I apologize to my one follower for taking a long absence from the blogging world. Almost 6 months. Pause for a moment of silence.

In the recent months things have changed, developed, left, felt moments of deep joy, and deep moments of numbness. (Remember I'm not an English major I'm a nurse we don't write in complete sentences, so blogging can be kinda choppy, I apologize, especially to my grandmother whose rolling over in her grave right now.)

So one may ask "What have you been up to these last months..." Well instead of writing one really, really long blog I've decided to do a short recap of each month from March until now, with some stories added in.

I know that I've posted since March however it is my second favorite month, because of March Madness and perhaps one of the best sporting events known to man. NCAA Men's and Women's Basketball Tournament. This year had the lovely opportunity to go to DUKE and watch the first round. It was an amazing trip in which I fell in love with Durham North Carolina, and the beauty it has to offer. So I've decided to share a quick top 10 list of favorite parts of my trip.

10. Solidifying in my inner most being why I am a Duke Fan. Chapel Hill is a scary, weird, boring, to close together place.
9. The walking tour of Durham that I took all by myself. Planned it all by myself. And did not get hit on by any homeless men. Unlike the aforementioned highlight where it happend 5 times.
8. Shopping on Ninth Street, in my favorite shop and getting really cute headbands and wanting to go back.
7. CAMERON INDOOR STADIUM. pause. (nothing else needs to be said here)
6. Sitting in the same bleachers the Cameron Crazies do, priceless.
5. Learning about the history of Duke University and the Tobacco Industry.
4. Being able to watch a really good 2nd round game, meeting some of the Men's Team and taking a picture with Mason Plumlee. Yes, I know a little stalkerish. You have to admit, he is a good catch.
3. The FOOD! Chick Flia, Amelia's, Elmo's to only name a few..
2. Duke's Chapel Services-will be mentioned in a later month
1. Sarah P. Duke Gardens. This place is breathtaking. It is 55 acres of beautiful gardens, that I miss almost every day. Its peaceful, mind clearing, beautiful, priority straightening, and an amazing place to take pictures.

So then came
Not to much exciting occurred in April. I think one would call April a preparation month for the month of May. I spent most of April running. Yes, I did say running. If any of you know me you would know that I was that kid on the track team that threw shot put and discus, and ran the 100 meter run, because I had to have a running event.

So for whatever reason I decided that it would be a great idea to run a 5K. 5K which equals 3.1 miles. So I spent the month of April training considering I've never ran more than 1 mile without stopping. But it was worth it.

Bridal Showers/Weddings/5K's/Easter
Looking back May was quite an adventure. My best friend from home got married. (Congrats Julia and Jon.) It was a beautiful weeding, with beautiful food, and beautiful people. It's were my profile picture comes from. Then a bridal shower for my friend Christine, whose getting married June. Best day every considering it was reality show extranvanga in myself and my dear friend Bekas life. Check out her blog for more details: mygreenorchard.wordpress.com.

Finally the major, life changing, epic event of April: running a 5K. I am not going to tell you the amount of time it took me because that does not matter. What matters is that I finished. I finished the race without stopping to walk. Granted at times I wasn't running much more than a shuffle, but I didn't walk. It was the greatest feeling ever, a deep sense of accomplishment occurred. I loved it, and running and I still have a significant love relationship, it just needs to be re discovered soon. Then May came to a end, and JUNE hit

June: Wedding/Awards Banquet/High School Graduation

June such a fun, crazy, awkward month. After the high of May, June may have been a little bit of a let down, well at least until the end. My dear friend Christine got married, and had a blast at her wedding even though my sweater was in the laundry while I was at the ceremony. I still rocked the dress!!

Spent time with some amazing 1st year medicine residents from Strong at a barbecue celebrating there intern year completion. One may ask why I was at this celebration? I'm an honorary intern.

The rest of June included events surrounding my lovely younger brother. My younger brother Matthew graduated high school this year. It's hard to believe that the little boy who once crawled all over my Kindergarten graduation cake, is graduating high school. First was the lovely awards banquet, with sub-par food, and 2 hrs of watching little children get awards that I didn't know who they were. (My dad and I played dots throughout this affair, it's what we do in moments like these) Then got to watch as my little brother won the coach's award for every sport he played, soccer, basketball, and golf. I got to watch him win Athlete of the Year, and Male Scholar Athlete of the year. I think he is still shoving that in my mothers face to this day!

Then came graduation. I didn't cry. My mother cried a little, and so did my father. I love this time of year main reason: FREE FOOD, with no clean up involved. Seriously though it was an awesome party even with the rain, and golf clubs that were broken. Spent time with family, spent time with people I grew up with. People who know me, and love me despite all my imperfections. It was a pleasure. Then came July.

July, yes the month of my birthday. Woo, freaken, who. Not a big fan of my birthday for many reasons. However it was a fun experience spent time with the fam, went to the corn hill arts festival, and then went to Pittsford and enjoyed a lovely lunch at simply crepes after getting lost for about an hour.

The month of July was a little stressful at work reason being: new interns. I'm not going to get into the stories, moments of desperation, crazy orders written, or questions asked, because I could get into some serious trouble. But I will say that I do miss my old interns. A LOT! July also involved a little fender bender which caused a wake up emotional call, will do another blog on this later.

August, kind of a blur. Spent a lot of it outside. Catching up with old friends, becoming the Kid's Director at the 692 campus of TFH, sending my brother off to college, watching him play college soccer. That pretty much sums up august. Oh I was also camp nurse at TFHKids Epic Summer Camp. Such a blast spending time with these little ones. Especially since I told myself I would NEVER, NEVER, EVER in a million years because a pediatric nurse. My heart has begun to change a little... , and the US Men's National Soccer Game vs. Brazil in NYC was A-mazing. Especially considering I was 15 rows back from TIM HOWARD!!!! yes, the Tim Howard. Still in awe. Then September came.

I like to think of September like the Green Day song thinks of it, "Wake me up when September ends...." At work I had the most emotionally taxing, and draining shift that I have ever worked. To which sent me into a deep spiral downward, pretty close to hitting depression. I would like to say I'm better from that place, but its a slow progression for me. It's like your climbing up the ladder to get to the slide in the McDonald's play place in order to get to the place you want to be. I know strange analogy but it makes sense in my head. What have I learned from dear old September:

-I can cry at the drop of a hat.
-Sugar cookies are a great 3am snack.
-It's okay to admit that your broken, and don't know what to do.
-It's okay to ask for help.
-My friends and family are my life-lines.
-I am a work in progress and am so thankful for that.
-God is even more real to me today than he was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.

So in short, well, kinda long wind that's the story of these past six months. I'm sure in the upcoming weeks. I will most more to fill in the gaps a little bit. But, this right here was a very big step. I did it. I put pen to paper. Well I guess it should be fingers to keys. But I did it. and that's all that matters. Some parts make sense, some parts don't. Some parts are funny and some aren't. But it's a story, it's the story of me and that's all that matters.

The past week I recently heard a song on the television and it spoke so deeply to me. Beauty will rise, by Steven Curtis Chapman. It tells the story of me. At this point on my journey. I'm not dancing yet, but I know that I will be. So I leave you with this the chorus of my life:

Out of these ashes..beauty will rise.
and we will dance among the ruins.
We will see him with our own eyes.
Out of this darkness..new life will shine.
and we'll know that joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise.